There’s lots of things in my life that I’ve done that I thought that I would regret but I honestly don’t regret as many things as one person should in their life. I have wonderful people in my life and I don’t want to lose them ever and I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to them. I will protect them with my last breathe on this plane. I am in the process of no longer with my parents and I’m starting to rely on someone else and I don’t kno if that’s the best thing for me, I’m tired of relying on someone else I don’t have the ability to live on my own and I need help and support. And there’s no one else in my life that would be able to accept the help from.
As of lately I’ve been feeling not so good in a way that I don’t really like. I’ve been filled with such anger rage and pain. I wish that I could go back in time and make it so this never happened to me but I’m kinda stuck in a world with no do overs. I don’t kno what to do. I have such strong feelings for this person in my life and he has no idea of what I constantly think about and I wish I didn’t have to think about it but unfortunately I have to. And thinking about it makes me so angry because I trusted someone and believed them and that blew up in my face. I’m so sick and tired of being hurt and each time I let someone in, I get hurt in a new fun way. I’ve been hit, I’ve been screamed at, I’ve been controlled, anything you can think of it’s probably happened to me when I let someone in. I can’t take this anymore. Everyday I think about cutting again and I kno that its not a good idea but its the only way my mind thinks that the pain will go away, and I’m not saying I’m trying to die cause I can’t do that to my friends and family. Everything is so good and then it all takes a very quick turn to shit. I don’t kno what to tell him…how will he take it? Will he ever want to talk to me again? Will I still have someone I’ve grown a huge attachment to still want to be there when I need him? There’s nothing that I can do to change the past no matter how bad I want to, but I can try to control my future, some things are set in stone but not everything. I feel like I’m getting to a point in my life where I need to settle down and just have one guy in my life I can give my heart to….again, but this time it has to be the last time cause I can’t take it. I want to have someone that I can with with the rest of this lifetime. Maybe it’ll happen and maybe it won’t. And maybe my bloodline ends with me….
Today is one of the more difficult days I’ve had to go thru in a while. I’m not really sure whats going on with my life. But I kno that it makes me so upset and feel so angry. I wish this had never happened to me. It makes me feel like I have no control over whats going on with my life. I could have prevented this from happening but if it didn’t happen I wouldn’t be where I am right now. So then I debate if its a good thing or a bad thing. Even though deep down I kno that its a bad thing. Because I have to live with my stupidity for the rest of my life. I could have just stopped him and I wouldn’t be in this fucking situation. I wish I could just go back in time and never had a relationship with his stupid fucking face. I hate myself for not doing my best to prevent this. What makes it worse is that I kno in my heart that I could have prevented this….I have immense feelings for someone new in my life and I haven’t even told him about what happened to me and he really deserves to kno.
I’m not the type of person to hold a grudge against someone but I just can’t get through this one. Since the event in my life I can’t seem to not be angry when I think about him. And lately when I think of my past I get sad because I think of all the bad things that have happened to me. Today I thought of how my grandmother died of cancer and my mom recently had a breast cancer scare, and before that I had a cervical cancer scare. There are too many things in this world that can bring you to an end. And as of earlier today I think I may have diabetes, which is really scary.